Updated: Apr 18, 2019
At what point is it okay for your significant other to meet your kids? If your kid(s)' other parent does not want them around other men/women, do you respect their wishes? When is it okay to disregard the other parent's opinion about your significant other being around the kids? These are questions I've been researching via public opinion through my social sites. Keep reading to find the difference of opinions when it comes to dating with kids.
There are many people in the world with kids by someone they are no longer in a relationship with. It happens... it's life, but you have to move on peacefully and with grace. Whether the separation was due to a divorce, a breakup, or a one night stand, the fact still remains that you and the other parent are not together and there is a kid involved. Co-parenting is cool when done the right way, but let's be real. We have some bitter baby mamas and baby daddies out there. I've seen it all way too many times.
Moving forward, let's talk about dating with kids. What is the proper way to date when you have children? Is there really a "protocol" we should abide by when it comes to having your kids around your new boyfriend or girlfriend? Let's get into it.
I posted a status on Facebook that read as follows:
"Women, suppose your child’s father doesn’t want other men around his kid...do you honor their request? Why/why not?
Men, suppose you have a kid with someone, and you and the mother aren’t together. How do you feel about the mother’s boyfriend being active in your kids life? How long should she date someone before allowing them around your kid?"
I received some really good feedback from my Facebook fam. A. Bradley's opinion was, "Imma hit em with that "come get em then!" or "STFU"!! Lol that's all I have to offer! LOL sorry!" This tickled me. It really did. I see where Bradley is coming from in terms of a guy demanding that you not have men around their kids. She keeps it short and simple by saying that the dad should come pick them up if he wants to dictate who they are and are not around. Funny comment, but good! How dare you have the nerve to be the inactive parent telling the active parent what to do.
M. Allen's opinion on the matter was, "I left my children's father when they were 3 and 18 months old and raised them by myself. I was only 34 at the time--so I dated several people over the years--but I was very careful that my children never saw any strong displays of affection nor did I ever have any "overnight guests." She also went on to tag her daughter to learn her viewpoint from a child's perspective. Her daughter, K. Walker, commented and said, " I don’t remember much about the very few men she dated when I was a child, but what I do remember is how respectful they were of her and of us — and if they weren’t, we never met them. She was also very careful to be respectful of us — meaning no displays of affection or anything that would make us uncomfortable. We trusted her to only bring people into our lives she could trust with us, and that remains true to this day." This is so deep and by far the most helpful advice on this subject.
I had a few guys to weigh in on the subject, and it got real!!! R. Zinder said, "They need to have a serious established relationship... at least some months and I have no problem with another guy being active when my son is with his mom bc at the end of the day my son knows who his dad is and I’m secure enough in my life to understand you can never have enough help and I can’t be around his mom 100% of the time if we're not together... but he better respect my son and his mom or I’ll be in jail doing a life sentence."
Now this, was a great response. Zinder kept it real with us by being understanding of the fact that mom's can not do it alone, and the more help parent's have, the better. He makes it clear that he won't tolerate any disrespect, but is very open to the idea of another guy being active in his son's life because he knows where he stands when it comes to the relationship between him and his son.
P. Randle weighed in on the topic by stating, "If we’re not together, I feel like if a man comes in our life and treats us great and wants to be active with the child, why not! We both will eventually find someone else anyways. He will want to be with someone and that lady will eventually be around my child. If the father isn’t much active or doing anything, his opinion wouldn’t matter to me. I will probably laugh, and honestly will feel like an immature man will feel that way. I feel like a mature man will probably want to know who’s around their child and if that man is respectful and good to his child and his mom, he will have no issue. The mother is a package deal. He should want a good man loving his child as his own and not ignoring the child. Now if that man means no good, then that’s understandable."
This comment hit it head on! I liked how Randle mentioned that only an immature man/woman will have a problem with their kids being around the other parent's significant other. I understand that some breakups may be fresh and not everyone can handle their kid's parents moving on, but you have to face the reality of the situation. If you and that man/woman are no longer together, you have to accept the fact that they are going to move on (and you will too when you're ready), and that comes with your child(ren) getting to know who they are dating and who you are dating. It just comes with the territory. I feel like you and the person should be serious and in a relationship before introducing your kids to them. You don't want them to meet every Tom, Dick, and Harry that comes through. That's just not a good look.
K. Rxco added, "It depends on how active you are in the child's life and how much of a connection you have with the child mother. I feel before you invite another man around your child, introduce him to the father out of respect. It should be a family unity regardless of who is there. It's hard to build a family unity with a bad father or mother. So you have drama. So it just depends on the situation. I'm cool with it if he treats her like a queen. The most important part is that my daughter or son grows up knowing manners and how to treat a woman/man."
He made some valid points here. It's great that he mentions how we should introduce the other parent to the person we are dating. Now does this happen often? I can't say. I can only speak on my situation, and I've never done this. Although I'm willing, I don't feel that every party involved will feel the same way, so you just have to move on and let that meetup work itself out (if it ever does). I married a guy, and my daughter's dad never met him, and things went fine. You just have to base doing this off of your knowledge of the mental state of the other parent and how they will behave. Some people are known to act out, so if this is going to cause drama, I say keep the peace and they will meet when the time is right, if they ever meet at all. Who really cares as long as you and the kids are happy?
R. Gibbs addressed the question with the following response: I feel it should be a mutual respect from all participants I don't think he should shut your life down due to you and that person not making it together but the boyfriend should only be a positive role model and stay in his or her lane when it comes to decision making with the child.
Now pay attention as I repeat what Gibbs had to say. He said "I don't think he should shut your life down due to you and that person not making it together." This is the screwed up mentality a lot of people have when it comes to the person they had a kid by moving on with their life. They use the kid as a pawn and try to control the other parent's actions by not letting them see the kid because they think the kid will be around the person they are currently dating.
Now, if you have good, legit, reason as to why your kid(s) shouldn't be around that person, like them being a sexual predator, or them being abusive or whatever the case may be, then I'm here for it, and completely understand. But if your reason for not wanting your kids around the other person your ex is dating is due to you still having feelings for the person, then it's time to grow up and be an adult. Blended families are beautiful, and can actually be a great influence in a kid's life if they have more than one set of adults to look up to and look out for them. Don't make your kid(s) miss out on good things in life because you are in your feelings and do not want to move on. Let's toss this childlike mentality out the window and be more understanding when it comes to respecting the other person's decision to move on with another person.
Lastly, Q. Dawson weighed in on the topic by saying, "I’ve learned that as long the child/children knows their mother or father, I'm cool wit it. But I would at least like to wait 90 days after I have gotten the a** b4 u meet my kids. Lol".
On this note, I am done!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL. I like how Dawson gave himself a timeframe of 90 days before introducing women to his kids.
All in all, we do things differently, and there is no "right way", to date when it comes to having kids. You have to see what works for you and what will not. Honestly, the best thing that any of us could do is communicate. Lack of communication is the reason why animosity tends to arise when it comes to the topic of dating with kids. You will have some parents that are okay with their kids meeting other people simply because they know their place in their kids' life. They are not insecure, and they know that regardless of who their kid is around, the kid knows that they are their parent. On the other hand, you will have some parents that will NEVER be okay with it, and that is fine. You just have to make the best decision for both you and the child to avoid the senseless drama of "I don't want that b**** around my kids" syndrome.
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