Dating Other People When You Have Kids By Someone Else - The Public's Opinion
Updated: Apr 18, 2019
At what point is it okay for your significant other to meet your kids? If your kid(s)' other parent does not want them around other men/women, do you respect their wishes? When is it okay to disregard the other parent's opinion about your significant other being around the kids? These are questions I've been researching via public opinion through my social sites. Keep reading to find the difference of opinions when it comes to dating with kids.
There are many people in the world with kids by someone they are no longer in a relationship with. It happens... it's life, but you have to move on peacefully and with grace. Whether the separation was due to a divorce, a breakup, or a one night stand, the fact still remains that you and the other parent are not together and there is a kid involved. Co-parenting is cool when done the right way, but let's be real. We have some bitter baby mamas and baby daddies out there. I've seen it all way too many times.
Moving forward, let's talk about dating with kids. What is the proper way to date when you have children? Is there really a "protocol" we should abide by when it comes to having your kids around your new boyfriend or girlfriend? Let's get into it.
I posted a status on Facebook that read as follows:
"Women, suppose your child’s father doesn’t want other men around his kid...do you honor their request? Why/why not?
Men, suppose you have a kid with someone, and you and the mother aren’t together. How do you feel about the mother’s boyfriend being active in your kids life? How long should she date someone before allowing them around your kid?"
I received some really good feedback from my Facebook fam. A. Bradley's opinion was, "Imma hit em with that "come get em then!" or "STFU"!! Lol that's all I have to offer! LOL sorry!" This tickled me. It really did. I see where Bradley is coming from in terms of a guy demanding that you not have men around their kids. She keeps it short and simple by saying that the dad should come pick them up if he wants to dictate who they are and are not around. Funny comment, but good! How dare you have the nerve to be the inactive parent telling the active parent what to do.
M. Allen's opinion on the matter was, "I left my children's father when they were 3 and 18 months old and raised them by myself. I was only 34 at the time--so I dated several people over the years--but I was very careful that my children never saw any strong displays of affection nor did I ever have any "overnight guests." She also went on to tag her daughter to learn her viewpoint from a child's perspective. Her daughter, K. Walker, commented and said, " I don’t remember much about the very few men she dated when I was a child, but what I do remember is how respectful they were of her and of us — and if they weren’t, we never met them. She was also very careful to be respectful of us — meaning no displays of affection or anything that would make us uncomfortable. We trusted her to only bring people into our lives she could trust with us, and that remains true to this day." This is so deep and by far the most helpful advice on this subject.
I had a few guys to weigh in on the subject, and it got real!!! R. Zinder said, "They need to have a serious established relationship... at least some months and I have no problem with another guy being active when my son is with his mom bc at the end of the day my son knows who his dad is and I’m secure enough in my life to understand you can never have enough help and I can’t be around his mom 100% of the time if we're not together... but he better respect my son and his mom or I’ll be in jail doing a life sentence."
Now this, was a great response. Zinder kept it real with us by being understanding of the fact that mom's can not do it alone, and the more help parent's have, the better. He makes it clear that he won't tolerate any disrespect, but is very open to the idea of another guy being active in his son's life because he knows where he stands when it comes to the relationship between him and his son.
P. Randle weighed in on the topic by stating, "If we’re not together, I feel like if a man comes in our life and treats us great and wants to be active with the child, why not! We both will eventually find someone else anyways. He will want to be with someone and that lady will eventually be around my child. If the father isn’t much active or doing anything, his opinion wouldn’t matter to me. I will probably laugh, and honestly will feel like an immature man will feel that way. I feel like a mature man will probably want to know who’s around their child and if that man is respectful and good to his child and his mom, he will have no issue. The mother is a package deal. He should want a good man loving his child as his own and not ignoring the child. Now if that man means no good, then that’s understandable."
This comment hit it head on! I liked how Randle mentioned that only an immature man/woman will have a problem with their kids being around the other parent's significant other. I understand that some breakups may be fresh and not everyone can handle their kid's parents moving on, but you have to face the reality of the situation. If you and that man/woman are no longer together, you have to accept the fact that they are going to move on (and you will too when you're ready), and that comes with your child(ren) getting to know who they are dating and who you are dating. It just comes with the territory. I feel like you and the person should be serious and in a relationship before introducing your kids to them. You don't want them to meet every Tom, Dick, and Harry that comes through. That's just not a good look.
K. Rxco added, "It depends on how active you are in the child's life and how much of a connection you have with the child mother. I feel before you invite another man around your child, introduce him to the father out of respect. It should be a family unity regardless of who is there. It's hard to build a family unity with a bad father or mother. So you have drama. So it just depends on the situation. I'm cool with it if he treats her like a queen. The most important part is that my daughter or son grows up knowing manners and how to treat a woman/man."
He made some valid points here. It's great that he mentions how we should introduce the other parent to the person we are dating. Now does this happen often? I can't